day 11

It's difficult for me to determine the cause of anxiety among many of these clients. Is it the HIV or something else in their lives totally unrelated? The stress of HIV definitely contributes, though some of these people could have been highly stressed before. Some of them are very difficult people and it makes working through the public assistance system very challenging at times. Nobody likes to deal with difficult people. But, on the other hand, there are many caring individuals out there who are willing to help. Not everybody, though. 

The fact that public funding for many services once available to those suffering from AIDS doesn't exist any longer does not make it any easier on these people, or those trying to help them. I have noticed a deterioration in the quality of some of their lives. Several have died in the interim. Not necessarily a direct causal relationship, but you gotta wonder what impact the increased difficulty in getting by played. 

No more food banks. No more massages. Help with finding employment? It's all pretty daunting. And this city does not make it very easy. Other cities do it better. One entity that handles it all: rent and utility assistance, medical needs, etc. Here, you have to know where to go. 

Massage #31

I remember this client from before. He was always actively employed. Very alert and aware and engaging. Not anymore. He's out of work now. And life is hitting him harder. After all, as he told me, being able to get some food for free from time to time could help a great deal. Now there's nothing. He also used to be a regular for massages. As with many others, the massages are very helpful to them. Few of them have any financial resources to even go to the massage schools to receive massages from the students. 

Massage #32

This is a seemingly normal guy. Special talents, education, also a highly intense individual who given a certain combination of medications could get a little crazy. Somebody you'd like to steer clear of. 

Another sufferer of neuropathy in the feet. He describes it as its feeling like "you're walking on broken glass." My applying a lot of pressure on his feet "feels great" he said. He has a lot of experience with many medications. Not a stupid guy.  But vain, yes, about his body. Lots of weight lifting. Steroids, testosterone. Made him crazy. Or as he said, he wasn't "pleasant to be around." What a surprising sense of self-awareness, I thought. 

My eyes were tearing up during this massage. This guy is so wound up, so intense, so conflicted, in so much pain emotionally and mentally and physically to a degree.Obssesive compulsive for sure. His body fat was down to 11% -- he was actually burning up muscle from working out so much. Jesus, what keeps someone like this from killing themselves?

I recommended yoga and meditation. 

Massage #33

Older man, resident here at the facility. Pleasant old guy. Also neuropathy of the feet. In his case, instead of it feeling like walking on broken glass, the bottom of his feet feels like ants crawling all over them. Or as he put it in spanish, "hormigas." I couldn't understand much of what he said in english or spanish. 

On a later massage, I noticed many crude tatoos all over his body. Usually a sign of having been in prison. I asked him what he was in prison for and he told me when he was 15 he shot a guy, in Chicago. Over money. 

day 10

People with AIDS tend to learn a lot about themselves once they are diagnosed and later when they begin to take medications. Of course, symptoms of the disease must play a big role in that too. There is a wealth of information about the disease available today, unlike years ago. At the same time, there exist huge gaps in terms of what is known and not known about it. For instance, there still is no cure. However, medications appear to have begun saving many lives that would have ended if not for their discovery. So progress has been made, but people are still becoming infected, and people continue to die -- all for varying reasons. Nothing is black and white when it comes to AIDS. 

Massage #28

This was his first massage ever. I feel like I've said that before in this blog. Strange. But true. After it was over, he said to me "I don't know what you did, but I feel high." Far out. Performing massages can be very dangerous for one's ego. It is good to recognize the power of a particular massage session, but also to remember that that feeling also wears off. Massage may release hormones that make you feel pretty good, high even, but it doesn't last forever. 

This client told me that he is HIV+ for 24 years. He was diagnosed while still in the military but was never on meds until this past year when he contracted pneumonia. He described it as "it was like someone pulled the rug out from under me." I'm sure it was. Living healthy HIV+ for 24 years should be stressful enough, but having your condition suddenly worsen brings the realization of death that much closer. 

He was very talkative and shared lots of stories. His work experience included many years in the corporate world after leaving the military. Both careers created a contradiction in his life: "I was raised to be honest though I had so much to hide." 

Massage #29

Second client today alone who never had a massage before. It strikes me as strange since massage was offered here full-time up until three years ago. Where were these people then? That's a whole other question isn't it. Perhaps they weren't in San Antonio. If so, what brought them here? Or perhaps better phrased and more accurate, the more I learn about these people, what brought them back here? Many return to be with people who care about them, primarily family. Or perhaps, they are new to the disease and the treatment. Who knows?

This man is in very good shape. You would not know there is anything wrong with his health. His tatoos were very interesting. On each calf was an elaborate black and red three-dimensional star with 3-letter initials on each one. He said very little. He works several days a week at a local restaurant, bartends, waits tables. He exercises several times a week, lifts weight -- you can tell. More tatoos included flames, barbed wire, typical stuff, but good quality. He wore sunglasses indoors and had a chain hanging from his pants. Sort of a bad-ass looking dude/vato. But really a very nice guy.

Afterward, when I asked him how he felt, his reply was "Amazing."

Massage #30

This is a difficult one to write about. For one, she is a massage therapist. Two, she is the other massage therapist in this project with me -- the other 100 massages. Three, she is HIV+. Can I write about her? She doesn't know I am keeping a blog. None of my clients here do -- but one of the staff knows as well as the asst director. 

I did not write anything down about this session, though I remember a lot about it. Especially about her concerns with her own health and that of her children. She's an avid athlete partially due to her fear that HIV affects the cardiovascular system. Too many of these clients do not exercise at all. Some can't. Others who can simply do not, probably due to depression. They all know it is important. For that matter, most people in general know that exercise is important.

This client is very sensitive about how she looks. I would not necessarily call it vain but perhaps it is vanity after all. Once you are cared for medically through public funds, your doctor has to approve all medical procedures. She's lucky. Her doctor must like her because the doctor approved cosmetic procedures to address various effects of HIV and the medications used to control it. 

Breasts on women become enlarged. Stomachs spread out. Humps appear behind the neck and upper back. It can be a lot to bear.   

So here I am massaging, healing, if you will, a colleague, who like me, is spending a portion of her time massaging and healing other infected people with AIDS. I feel more love for her than many of the others. I'm not sure why. We all approach our work differently. Am I assuming that she feels as I do with each client? I look at her as being more compassionate and loving and caring than I. I wonder how she views me. 

I worked a long time on her. Way past the 45 minutes allotted. It was my last massage of the day and I was not in any hurry to get anywhere. She needed a lot of bodywork due to her exercise routine and had not received a massage in a long time. The healer needs healing. 

When I worked here before, one of the massage therapists, a male, also was HIV+ and a client of this facility. He occasionally received a massage. He was already burnt out by it all by the time I met him. He was already attending classes to change professions and now pursues it full-time.