day 9

Last night I was helping out at the door of a benefit for this AIDS organization at which I am doing the 100 massages. We were asking for a five dollar cover charge which was being given totally to this organization, not the bar nor the musicians. So one regular patron of this establishment approaches the door -- he's a sort of rough-looking character, muscular, rugged, weathered skin on his hands, arms, neck and face and fumbles for his five dollars at which point I inform him that the money is going to this AIDS organization whereupon he starts to spout some anti-gay, homophobic remarks such as "oh my god, this is for a bunch of fucking faggots?" I happened to mention to him that not all people with AIDS are gay. He sort of mumbled, paid his money and went in. He wasn't the only one to exhibit a nasty attitude toward this cause. 

It's true, by and large, there is a disproportionate amount of gay men affected with AIDS than other groups of our society. But it is still interesting to see the array of people, color of their skin, ethnicities, backgrounds who are members of this group. It could be a white female doctor who accidentally stuck herself with a needle after giving a shot to an AIDS patient, or it could be a famous basketball star too. Intravenous drug use accounts for a significant amount of virus transmission and subsequent infection. In other words, injecting drugs is a pretty good way to contract the disease. It takes the idea of getting high to a whole new level and perhaps demonstrates the true destructive power of drugs, enough to have you risk your life for a temporary physiological effect.

Massage #25

We're a quarter of the way through this deal. 75 more massages to go. I wonder what else I shall learn. 

This is an older African American man from a small town in Mississippi but grew up in New Orleans. Once I told him my name, he immediately addressed me in a more familiar way adding a y to it. It made me chuckle. Nice old black guy. 

His first and middle names consisted of only initials. Don't you love that? I mean, I'm from New York and lived in the city for many years. Just initials. No names behind them. Same thing for his father, uncle, and grandfather. He explained to me that in rural Mississippi, that practice was customary. 

This man has twenty-two children from four different women, two wives and two girlfriends, or as he referred to them as "outside women" meaning I suppose outside his marriage at the time. 

The massage was uneventful. He did not speak much more but rather I feel, was very present. I asked him at one point how the pressure felt and he responded: "I'll let you know if I have any complaints, I'm just listening to the music." So he was actually in the zone, that perhaps I should have been in. 

This is similar to meditation, and a state that I try to be in while massaging. The massage therapist's calm energy can easily be transferred to he client. I try to remind my clients to focus on their breath during the massage and every time I do that, I am reminding myself to do the same, which has a very calming effect on both of us. My calm energy is also one of strength, mentally and physically, while the client's calm energy is one of clearing the mind and relaxing. 

So this old guy showed me. Everybody is a teacher at any given moment, if you allow it to be. I am grateful. 

Massage #26

As I was saying, people of all different backgrounds have AIDS. My second client today is a white man. Very good shape. No noticeable signs of the condition or any sickness. Uses his body a lot doing maintenance at a local church. 

Some interesting tatoos: a cross with wings that he characterized as an angel. I sometimes ask where a tatoo is from really only to see where it leads. This time, it was more interesting as the client told me the tatoo was made by a tatoo artist in Hollywood, California who in his tatoo design book also had a tatoo that he did on Kelly Ripa, the Kelly Ripa of Regis fame, "back when she was still doing soap operas." What a little precious factoid of our wonderful pop culture - right here, lying on a massage table at a local AIDS organization. He said Kelly's tatoo is a small butterfly on her ankle. I promised to look for it on television next time. 

He started pretty tense but later relaxed. Relaxing during a massage is largely a point of trust. If you lift someone's arm or foot, they might tighten up not knowing if you will drop it. Others completely surrender themselves and still a small number fall asleep, those I term massage experts. Total relaxation. Some refer to it as the highest compliment to a massage therapist. At the end, he was smiling. 

Massage #27

Another example of neuropathy from the third client and ethnicity of the day: hispanic male. So today we had a white male, not sure of his sexual preference, an older straight black male and a gay hispanic male. 

Yet another description of a neuropathy symptom to add to the list:  a "bee sting feel and burning sensation" in the feet. He asked me to be sensitive with his feet. He says that his feet hurt if he walks much or stands for too long (an hour). He does not exercise and also has diabetes. 

Two days a week he visits with seniors. His fone rang three to four times during the massage, each time a different ring. His tatoos were of his sister's names; a naked girl -- the kind that people used to hang from their rear-view mirrors; and a ribbon and rose that was faded, perhaps there was a cross in it. i did not ask about it. He was not too talkative so I respected that. We stretched a fair amount -- he lifts his father up -- who has had two legs amputated due to diabetes. 

day 8

I did not have very many conversations today. It depends on several factors I guess. As usual, there was one no-show or cancellation so I picked one of the residents there that I used to massage occasionally before, and recently returned to live there. Then the next two were a couple, which is fairly commonplace. I have worked on either several couples of clients here already, or at least one member of a couple, further demonstrating that we humans always seek companionship and that typically we find it within some sort of particular group. I know, not always. 

In this case, HIV/AIDS, for very logical reasons, also participate in this trend. After all, you have all of this additional knowledge and perspective on the condition and the medical care services which could benefit each of you more than struggling through it all alone. A built-in mutual support system. One member of a couple who is not infected has a steeper learning curve and perhaps cannot relate to the same degree, though there is no limit to the love and compassion we can show for each other and that has been demonstrated in many instances of people with illnesses and their healthier partners.  But still, in the face of a society who already stigmatizes homosexuality, being homosexual and hiv positive, is one more additional weight to bear and it can rear its ugly head at any moment, obtrusively or not.

Massage #22

I remember this man from before. He had suffered a stroke a number of years ago. I have always enjoyed working with people who have had strokes. One of my earliest private clients who I worked with weekly for several years experienced a stroke on her honeymoon. She was in her 30s if I remember correctly. It greatly affected one side of her body and impaired her ability to communicate verbally. It was fascinating but gratifying. The relationship between the brain and the body is, let's be real, insane. Yes, that's a good word for it. I mean, let's be real, it's like a computer, electrical impulses and all, but a computer you can always fix if something goes wrong -- especially if it is mechanical. 

We do not yet understand the brain fully. I think great strides have been made in treating strokes. But how can one accept the fact that a portion of your body has been rendered useless because of some malfunction in your brain? We're not talking severed spinal cords from an automobile accident or a fall. 

And yet, almost magically, sometimes use is regained. Does the brain heal itself? And if so, how do we retrain those muscles and body parts to work again as they are supposed to?

This client is a happy guy. I did not remember him being in a wheelchair before. I am almost positive that he wasn't. Even early in the morning as several of the residents congregate in chairs around the nurse's station, most of them in wheelchairs, he is there joking around, although his verbal skills are somewhat impaired as well. I remember trying to get the affected arm to respond. 

I, for one, maintain that the most effective treatment for the effects of a stroke is lovingkindness. My intention is to heal. Somehow. Regain full use. It's all attitude and then, perhaps pluck. Or attention. Trying to sense how the body wants to respond, trying to draw a connection between the brain and that appendage. Creating a pattern of movement. Perhaps better said, recreating it. 

So mentally, this client is not all there. But he truly exhibits for lack of better term a joie de vivre, perhaps not even cognizant of his condition. I could ask the nurses I suppose. But at the same time, he is somewhat fastidious about his appearance commenting on what kind of haircut he would like, how his sideburns should look, etc. He fixed his hair as I helped him back into his wheelchair. As he put his feet up, he cleaned off his Crocs with his good hand. He felt very pleased and thanked me. 

Massage #23

I did not note much about this client. He was quiet. He massages his "friend" who was scheduled to be my next client and actually has investigated going to massage school, yet -- he's never had a professional massage before. This client is a professional waiter who has worked for twenty-three years at two of the best-known eating establishments in town. I don't even remember what transpired during the massage. Uncharacteristically, I did not even write down what I did. But at the end, he said "God, it feels good." That'll work for me. That's nourishment from generosity on his part. 

Massage #24

The friend of my previous client. I did not write almost anything about him either, though I did note that he had open sores all over his back. Again, I only recently learned, this is due to the medications. Several cause the skin to itch. This client also had extensive back surgery and had screws and plates all the way across his back. Yikes. The term he used was "anchored." I have no idea but I think I pushed too hard on one spot where one of the plates was located. 

  

day 7

I realize that this is a somewhat selfish exercise. Although I find focusing on the lives of the people I am massaging as, if not moreso, interesting than the work itself. Probably more. Yes, definitely. That is my nature. And I suppose it is understandable. Wouldn't most people agree? After all, this isn't ground-breaking surgery. 

But I find myself now wanting to ask more questions. It didn't start out this way. Not when I began massaging six years ago nor when I first worked here five years ago, for about one year. The stories simply began. Some were disturbing as I may have already related. Boundaries are not very big here. And of course, there are those who are more private about their personal lives than others. Some seek compassion and understanding because they are suffering emotionally and mentally. Others who seem to be suffering physically may or may not reveal anything. It all depends. 

So some days, I see, as I reread my notes, I have been more attentive to recording things they tell me or I ask. As this continues, I am asking more. But I see that some days I have either not asked much or documented much. I do not want the work to suffer for the sake of the stories. But as I observe the effects of simply trying to bring any relief to these people, the effects are beneficial, and they are grateful. There's still a fine line between seeking the story versus trying to make them feel better. Fortunately, it is quite easy to make someone with HIV or AIDS, or anyone for that matter, to feel better through a massage. 

I have always maintained that it is not difficult to at least bring someone some, if not a lot of relief. 

And how about those suffering with HIV and AIDS who help others, have responsibilities to others, are the actual pillars of stability in families, emotionally, financially. We've already covered several examples of clients still able to earn a living being asked to help grown children financially. 

Massage #19

Male anglo, 50'ish. Here's one of those examples. A guy from here who actually was "making it" in New York. We're always proud of anyone from here who can go off to the "big city", whether it's acting in Hollywood, running a major company, or in this case, being successful in the fashion biz, "seventh avenue" as we used to say in New York City. This man was a designer, ascending to the highest ranks of the business before his specialty began to be out-sourced overseas. But even getting there exacts a cost on you. Sure he was having fun, but it was expensive, in all ways. One of the costs was contracting AIDS. But good things happened to him too. 

Luck had it that he was living in a building in a fast-changing part of Manhattan and had the opportunity to participate in the conversion of the building to a coop. Financially, this represented a windfall for his wallet and he was abler to pay off all his debts and have some left over. His body, on the other hand, has not fared as well: a myriad of heart-related ailments and problems as well as spinal problems among others. So, back in San Antonio, helping his aging mother, and trying to control two adult brothers who still live with the mother -- one, schizophrenic, the other bipolar. How do elderly parents end up in these situations? 

And here comes the gay prodigal son with AIDS returning from a life of some glamour, some success and some debauchery to help keep things in order??? This might challenge the logic of some, but in actuality, it is true. One might think, he should be returning to the safety and comfort and absence of judgment from the people who might love him the most (not in all families, mind you). But in this case, he returns, to help. 

Massage #20

Male anglo, 30'ish. My second trans-gendered client, not sure to what extent, but goes by a female name. Yeah, it still makes me feel a little weird. S(he) tried to make the point to me, without using words, that she is a woman, or at least certain parts. I covered her up better with the top-sheet to end that exercise. No problem. It just goes to show once again that there is no limit to the potential for naughtiness with some of these clients. Their pasts have gotten them into trouble, and it's clear that it's part of their personalities still. She was not scheduled for a massage but spends a lot of time here and was in the right place at the right time when we had a cancellation for my scheduled client.

This client has lived in several different areas of the country, seemingly just being a girl who wanted to have fun, had too much fun, and now returned here to work as a certified nursing assistant though I see her around the facility for breakfast and lunch most days I am there leaving me to think that she is not working much at all although she seems more than able physically. She says she prefers working in nursing homes. I think she is dealing drugs and this place is an excellent location to cultivate customers, and probably suppliers. She wouldn't be the first. 

But, this client is a very pleasant person. Always a smile, dressed fashionably. 

As for the massage, she had a lot of open sores on her legs and arms. This could be due to medications. It's a pretty good warning sign to me. She did not alert me ahead of time, which I understand, but would have been happier to know that before discovering it myself. 

So I was careful, kept the client covered, and she was very grateful and pleased afterward. 

Massage #21

Anglo male, 50'ish. Here is another matter-of-fact, straight-forward, no-nonsense type guy. Pretty open. No bullshit. No games. No drama, though he told me that he was diagnosed with AIDS ten years ago: "ten years and I'm still alive." 

A good example of someone who does not get massages (where is he going to get massages -- funding is scarce to begin with for free massages here) and does not stretch. My real point is about his physical condition and our society's attitude toward caring for our bodies. Many people use their bodies quite a bit, yet are not cognizant of the effects or how to manage the effects that the use of their bodies causes or can cause. Exercise and stretching are key. Exercise alone can exacerbate other problems. I always recommend stretching, yoga, meditation. Especially with the HIV/AIDS population who typically have high levels of stress anyway, these kinds of activities can go a long way toward bolstering the immune system and simply their wellbeing and peace of mind. 

  

day 6

Today was a fascinating day. I only remember one of the clients I had from before, though I was at least familiar with the names of the two others. I'm massaging three clients a day, three days a week, monday, tuesday and wednesday. It's enough. It's actually a lot given the territory. 

I'm eager to process and digest what is happening here. It's interesting. Only 200 massages will be done. After that, it's over. I'm doing 100 of them. Most of the clients will be able to have one or two massages over the next couple of months. Doesn't sound like much. I massage my regular private clients once a week. I know them very well. I know their bodies, their conditions, where they go, what they do, how they're feeling. 

With the PWAs, this will probably be the last time I massage any of them. These massages may be the last time anyone massages them ever again. 

One of the clients I recently wrote about, the guy who was entering his final year as an Architecture student in college and had lost all of his previous work which was required for a senior year course and decided to give it all up because he thought he wouldn't be around long enough for it to be worthwhile to continue his studies, spoke of the idea of touch, how important it is and was, and how little of it he receives now, and will, in the future. 

So should I worry about the technical aspects of massaging him? Or will it be just as effective if not more if I merely show him some love and caring and attention through the power of touch. Which approach will provide him a greater degree of healing? He could only sit upright due to severe acid reflux. I scoured the building looking for some cushions that could support him in that way. Most of these guys who I used to massage remember me well. I always find that surprising. I don't consider myself one of those memorable people. But here, in the capacity that I filled, given the life situations of these people, I am memorable. Maybe even in a special status. 

But, of course, the real question always boils down to how much compassion can one generate and share with these clients? It doesn't matter who I am. As the saying goes, "it's not about me," but it could just as well be me, or you or anybody else, at any given time. 

Massage #16

I used to massage him frequently back in the day. Nice man. Soft-spoken, gentle, cheerful, and stressed. But with a good attitude on life. One thing struck me, though we talked about many things in our short time together. This goes back to touch again. He's given up on the idea of anyone finding him attractive enough to touch in any way anymore. Mind you, this is not an obviously disabled man, quite the contrary. He's very active. He does visual display for auto dealerships during the holiday seasons and cleans houses for several members of a prominent family in town. 

He doesn't go out much. Has a 32-year-old son who is attending a local college and who still asks him for money. Actually, he only began asking his dad, my client, for money recently. The son was the product of a marriage that did not last long. My client is a gay man. We did not get into the details of why he married. They apparently divorced shortly after the son was born and the mother forbid any contact with the son ever since. 

Somehow, the son and father got in touch with each other seven years ago, when the son was 25, and have been close ever since. Again, it's easy to judge, but this is such a unique situation that all you can really do is scratch your head and listen. Because it does not make any sense. There is no logic to it. And maybe there shouldn't be. 

We human beings, especially in our society, have a tendency to try to put situations in neat, little boxes. It's easier on our minds. We like labels. We like square, concrete, black and white. We don't like grey. There's a lot of grey out there in the real world.

The father and son talk every day, my client tells me. Imagine that. Gay father with AIDS who had no contact with the son for the first 25 years of his life, lends the son money fairly often so it seems, and they have a better relationship than most people in this world. Like I said, there's a lot of grey.

Massage #17

Here's a character for you -- and not the only one of the day. Read about my next client. This man is living in pain. And I am smarter and more knowledgeable for it. He contracted AIDS early enough to be unfortunate enough to receive high doses of AZT, a cancer-fighting drug at the time akin to chemotherapy. Unfortunately, AZT in high doses messes with the health of your bones, your skeletal structure, one of the body's principal systems it relies upon to survive and do things. 

So this client has two artificial hips. That's good. The bad part is that artificial hips don't last forever. In fact, they only last something like ten years. Then they start to do really strange things like dig into parts of your body that you'd rather not experience. Thus, the pain. Both hips need to be replaced again. That sucks.

He describes himself as "an itinerant gospel piano player." How's that for an erudite, cultured human being who has clearly accumulated both talent and knowledge early in his life but somewhere along the way took a few left turns?

For instance, there's the gunshot wound in the right side of his chest that he was the recipient of in 1982. . He very willingly showed it to me but refused to discuss its origins.   

He was actually in college studying music during the Vietnam War. Then the draft came along and he applied for C.O. (Conscientious Objector) status. He spoke with his local pastor who suggested enrolling in Bible College. I'm not sure what happened there but here he is now. That's right, he's still here. Still making music. Perhaps not as a symphony musician as he might have become. But he's living and fighting. And on a given day, that's nothing to be ashamed of. Plus, he's an engaging and entertaining person to speak with and provide some measure of relief to. And in the end, he was grateful. Being able to help a person with that kind of life, and even to think and write about it later, is pretty good, too. But then again, it's not about me, is it?

Massage #18

How do people get AIDS anyway? Well, one way is from sharing needles used to inject drugs into their bodies. I suppose G.T., the jazz musician I befriended four years ago here who was actually a resident in the facility, contracted it that way. I remember him telling me one evening that I took him out to see some jazz, that in Europe, the doctors consider heroin and cocaine good drugs. American doctors don't know shit, he claimed, or something to that effect. But this story is not about G.T. We'll have to find a place to tell his story some other time, some other place. His, however, is perhaps the best. But that's not now.

This guy is now a non-resident, but used to be a resident here. Told me that he came here weighting 120 pounds with a month to live, according to the doctors (American doctors, no doubt). He's actually quite spry for his age. Still lifts weights. He told me that he doesn't want to become an old man. He complained that at a recent physical exam, his height was measured at 5'8" but that he used to be 5'11". While stretching him, he wanted to know if that could restore his original height. I replied that anything was possible. 

He was diagnosed at 65. He's 72 now. This is a guy with a very positive, almost indomitable, fighting spirit. He will not go down and if he does, it will be swinging. 

His name sounded familiar to me on several counts. He used to get massages here when I used to work her but never with me. Not that I can recall anyway. But he had been arrested not long ago and it was in the newspaper. The State Legislature passed a law allowing needle exchange programs to exist but left it up to the local District Attorney to decide whether it could actually take place. Yes, it sounds a little screwy to me too. 

Anyway, he formed a group to do the needle exchanges and started it up in earnest exchanging thousands of needles until the D.A. stepped in and...arrested him and several others. Now they're trying to get the Legislature to re-write the law so that the program can exist and nobody can get arrested. You know what they say, "Isn't that illegal? Yeah, but not in Texas." 

 

day 5

Some of our clients are older with children. Their children don't always turn out as they would like. Even thought our clients largely survive on public assistance, some of their children still ask them for money and other help like taking care of children. In a sense, it's unseemly but it points out the relative sense of generosity of spirit and especially gratitude these PWAs have. They are always willing to help and to some extent, be taken advantage of by their children who one would think might have a higher sensitivity toward their parents who struggle with this condition.

massage #13

58-year-old hispanic man who used to come regularly for massages back when we had them, and the funding for it. At the time, he cared for his grandson during the day and therefore would bring him too. Various people would watch him until the massage was over. The grandson was the child of his son who is now 29 and living with his father, my client, who claims that the son does not know how to take care of a child. The son works at Wendy's. The father is too good to him. 

#13's story goes like this -- he did construction for many years and planned to retire. On his last day of work, some of his co-workers were careless and dropped a large piece of equipment on his hand severing three fingers. 13 picked up the fingertips with his other hand and brought them to the hospital where they reattached them. 

13 is pretty tense. He has trouble relaxing his arms and legs. I used deep pressure on his back and neck. He left very satisfied. 

Massage #14

African-American woman, resident here. Never had a massage before but was very ready and willing. Said she always feels tense. She felt very relaxed after and enjoyed the massage. 

Massage #15

Anglo male. Sores on his body. I massaged him over the top sheet. He fell asleep. He especially liked his hamstrings and calves being worked on. His traps were quite tender. 

 

day 4

Compassion is the key. That's the number one benefit I received while working here before. Learning to be compassionate to all. If you can do that, you can lead a more peaceful life. Less judging. Less wasting energy on having negative thoughts about people. When people are bad off, especially, a little compassion can go a long way with them and in turn, make you feel like you have made a difference in someone's life. Sometimes all it takes is being polite and respectful -- a kind word or two, or, you can really focus on bringing them some relief for the problems they complain about. We all need to challenge ourselves, address what makes us feel uncomfortable, and to do good by helping others, no matter who they are. 

Sometimes I run into former clients from here, out and about, working, walking, waiting for a bus, at a bar... One former client from here is a union employee, lives with his partner and earns a respectable living when there is work. I have worked on him several times and he is generous. I even see him at various events around town. I knew him actually from before working here. One day I was called to his then-girlfriend's apartment to massage her sister as a present. My child was very young and I brought him and they watched him. It was quite unusual but very natural and friendly. 

One guy I see from time to time works for one of the better caterers in town. You would never know his condition by looking at him. He seems perfectly healthy. One night, my child and I were at a function and another child hit my child in the face with something hard causing the nose to swell. I had already been conversing with the former client earlier in the evening and told him about it. In the midst of running around doing his job, he got a cloth napkin, filled it with ice and brought it to me. It made me feel that I had done right by him before, and that we had mutual respect away from a place that he goes to seek treatment. It was professional, civil, and bove all, warm, friendly and caring. But this time, he was caring for me, and more importantly, my child. 

Massage #10

Here's a nice guy who I remember from before. He's deteriorated somewhat. Uses a walker and that's stressful in and of itself on the body. Has a partner who is very familiar with the music scene in town. I asked if his partner would be coming in for a massage -- I used to work on him too years ago. He said he didn't know. I found that amusing. Every couple is different. Every relationship between two people is unique. 

I saw them not that long ago one night I was playing with a Big Band but could not remember why i recognized them. That has happened from time to time since the last time I worked here. He reminded me of that. I vaguely did. I asked him if he said hello and replied that I seemed busy or was about to go play. 

Unfortunately for him, what with his condition combined with his current state, he is very tense. But he remains good-natured about it. Like many people, actually, he doesn't let got very easily. I worked hard and extensively on him. He felt much better after.

Massage #11

Ahh, here is my first transsexual of this cycle. I remember her from before. I worked on her once or twice. Yes, I admit it, it is a challenge. I feel uncomfortable and question myself why. I can't say. I don't know why. The transsexuals I have worked on are very womanly. They are not usually attractive. Probably did not have the money to do the all the surgery they needed to look good. How do you make a man look like an attractive woman? In this case, my client has aged considerably in four years, physically, so it seems, though emotionally, her spirit is rather buoyed, positive and energetic, but stressed. She tells me all about her life. Years as an entertainer, bartender, etc...says that she was famous, at least locally, in the clubs. Now, she's into karaoke. The Beatles, especially. And Freddy Fender. 

Massage #12

Here is a guy that breaks your heart. He is not doing well. He's a very intelligent guy who never finished college. Was an architecture student locally and had a mishap with his accumulated work when it came time for his senior course requiring it. Instead of spending the time to re-create all of his project work from teh previous three years, in consideration of the fact that he was recently diagnosed with AIDS, he decided to quit college. He has liver and kidney failure, is on dialysis. But he still manages to get around and is a non-resident. 

Every little bit of compassion and goodness helps a person like this. Life itself is a struggle for him. Yet, he is grateful and appreciative. He is able to discern the therapeutic qualities of anything I attempt for his relief. And he's right.  

He used to live with another client here. But they haven't been together for several years. And he hasn't experienced another human being touching him in any sort of affectionate or therapeutic way since then, or since we discontinued massages here four years ago. He is so intelligent that he has the ability to articulate that very basic concept of human or animal survival. Babies can't survive with some nurturing. How do adults do it? 

day 3

worked on three non-residents today, meaning, everybody kept their appointments. no great stories today. strictly massages to provide relief for tight muscles due to stress and medications. 

Massage #7

Here is someone who lives in pain to such a degree that he wears a morphine patch. Told me that he saw an advertisement on television saying that anybody using a morphine patch should discontinue wearing it immediately because they might die and to contact them to participate in a class action lawsuit. So, naturally, he did. I told him to contact his doctor and see what the doctor says. I gently tried to tell him not to fall for television advertisements from law firms that make people crazy thinking that their medications are going to kill them. I think this is clearly an example of a company, in this case, a law firm, creating a need -- possibly a false one at that. 

His problem is fibromyalgia. He experiences pain in his arms, back, legs, etc...I applied deep pressure with my elbow all over. He felt much better afterwards and was grateful. He walks and does housekeeping with my next client.

Massage #8

Nothing much to report here. We did a fairly standard massage -- he had not had a massage in a long time, he reports. Says it feels great. Arms, hamstrings very receptive to massage. Deep pressure used on his traps and levator. Very please afterward. He was very caring for his partner, waiting outside the entire massage. It's nice to see people taking care of each other and especially for people in a similar situation, in this case, infected with AIDS or HIV positive, to find a companion and soulmate. There really must be hope in this world.

Massage #9

He is in very good physical shape. Works out with weights. Very tight all over. Used deep pressure. Felt a lot of relief after. 

day 2

Everybody is stressed. I might not have realized this in my previous time working here. It's not easy accepting the fact that you have an incurable disease. That you are stigmatized by society for it, regardless of how you contracted it, not that that should matter anyway. For gay men who have contracted AIDS, it's a double stigma in our society, even among some gay men.

Massage #4

I don't remember working on him before but I know he used to come frequently for massages. Back when I worked here before, there were six more or less full-time massage therapists. Sometimes seven. And an acupuncturist. Not many stories here. Bulked up guy. Good shape. Has lifted weights for years. Not sickly at all. But he can't sleep and Xanax and Ambien make him act weird, so he doesn't take them anymore. He lives in a vicious cycle. Hopefully the massage might help him relax today and sleep better tonight.

Massage #5

Another no-show but I am assigned a resident I used to work on every now and then. I'm not sure what's true or not of what he tells me. Has he been a resident here all this time or not? I probably need to verify. He tells me today that he was recently living at his sister's house. She has a good job at a local large company but as he tells me, she stays out late every night.  He stays home and watches her children. She told him he had to provide all of his own food. So when he arrived, so he says, he bought a lot of food but ate it all and then forgot to get more food. I asked him if he was responsible for feeding the kids at night since his sister was out, and he said yes but that they eat cereal for dinner. So he stopped eating. He forgot.  He started losing a lot of weight and then his body began to shut down so he was brought back here. I definitely remember him being more stout. He's thin now. Lost all his muscle. Very nice guy. Walks on his own, appears seemingly well. He brought me a bottle of water after the massage from his personal refrigerator. He told me his mother was coming to take him to lunch at the Olive Garden. He was excited to go out and get a really good meal. He will be a good candidate to massage when there is another cancellation or no-show. 

Massage #6

"I'm a 60-year-old queer with AIDS" was how he responded when I introduced myself and asked him how he was doing. He didn't mean it in an aggressive or antagonistic way at all. Actually said it very good-naturedly. We had a very nice session in fact. He lives with another client of this facility. They walk a lot and do housekeeping together.  

day 1

It's been four years since I stepped foot in this place. It was time for me to move on. I had done several hundred massages here in less than a year and a change in the pay rules made it easy to leave and focus on massaging a higher-paying clientele with no risk of infection; limited contact with former drug addicts and schizophrenics; no more sad stories -- at least from people with aids (PWAs). 

And then within the year, the federal funds that enabled the massage therapy program to exist were no longer available. So nobody was doing massages there anymore. All the equipment was removed and the rooms were converted to other uses. After a number of years of free massages for PWAs who qualified -- proven beneficial treatment for their immune systems -- it was over. 

So it was sort of a shock to receive a call telling me that funds were procured for 200 massages if I wanted to take some of them. I was assigned 100 massages, and another massage therapist was assigned the remaining 100. 

Some of the people I worked on four years ago made indelible impressions on me. One in particular, G.T. He was a fairly well-known jazz musician with a predilection for cocaine and heroin. I listened to many stories he would tell me about famous people he knew. And he really knew music. He once told me, "never go out at night without your instrument," meaning not to miss a  chance to play if at all possible -- that's the way to improve and to create more opportunities to play. G.T. fell shortly after I stopped working there and passed on soon after. I remember him fondly and often. 

So here I am, Day One, beginning the first three of 100 massages of PWAs. I hope to pay closer attention to all of them and to relate their stories. 

To start with, there is no massage table -- I have to bring my own. That's no fun. They have sheets there since the facility has forty beds for residents as well as social services and education for many more non-residents.

Massage #1

As is not unusual, the first client does not show up nor call to cancel. I am assigned a resident to work on. Toothless, and looking more than a little bedraggled, most likely medicated, he willingly shuffles down the hallway to the massage room. This is his first massage and he is actually looking forward to it. 

He complained that his feet were bothering him at night -- felt like "electric shocks" which is a possible sign of neuropathy, possibly caused by some of the medications given to AIDS patients. Early on, AIDS patients were given high doses of AZT, a cancer drug, which caused irreparable harm to many patients and resulted in many deaths. I worked mostly on his feet.  He enjoyed the massage.

Massage #2

Someone I remember from four years ago. One of the more normal guys. Some of the non-residents are able to work and do so. Others are not able or simply not motivated. He has worked in the restaurant business for many years. Being a waiter takes its toll on your body. He's now getting involved in a cellphone business. It's an interesting change. I feel like it speaks of vitality and not giving up. Remaining positive in spite of disease. Taking what life gives you and dealing with it as effectively as possible. But in the back of your mind, you're dying of an incurable disease.

Massage #3

Another old-timer. This guy is a real character. I was never able to really figure him out. I think of him in some ways as a little boy. He's much older-looking now. Doesn't work -- not sure if he ever did. Specializes in finding free things. Has family in town on whom he depends for things. Always has some scheme, free movie passes, discount coupons to restaurants, etc. Good-natured guy. Happy, complains about how he feels a lot, but in the end, always grateful and positive. 

First day of massage is complete. I'm not sure how I feel. I remember some days there feeling like Superman, bringing relief to the sickest of the sick, and other days feeling very vulnerable. The next 97 massages should be interesting.