day 4

Compassion is the key. That's the number one benefit I received while working here before. Learning to be compassionate to all. If you can do that, you can lead a more peaceful life. Less judging. Less wasting energy on having negative thoughts about people. When people are bad off, especially, a little compassion can go a long way with them and in turn, make you feel like you have made a difference in someone's life. Sometimes all it takes is being polite and respectful -- a kind word or two, or, you can really focus on bringing them some relief for the problems they complain about. We all need to challenge ourselves, address what makes us feel uncomfortable, and to do good by helping others, no matter who they are. 

Sometimes I run into former clients from here, out and about, working, walking, waiting for a bus, at a bar... One former client from here is a union employee, lives with his partner and earns a respectable living when there is work. I have worked on him several times and he is generous. I even see him at various events around town. I knew him actually from before working here. One day I was called to his then-girlfriend's apartment to massage her sister as a present. My child was very young and I brought him and they watched him. It was quite unusual but very natural and friendly. 

One guy I see from time to time works for one of the better caterers in town. You would never know his condition by looking at him. He seems perfectly healthy. One night, my child and I were at a function and another child hit my child in the face with something hard causing the nose to swell. I had already been conversing with the former client earlier in the evening and told him about it. In the midst of running around doing his job, he got a cloth napkin, filled it with ice and brought it to me. It made me feel that I had done right by him before, and that we had mutual respect away from a place that he goes to seek treatment. It was professional, civil, and bove all, warm, friendly and caring. But this time, he was caring for me, and more importantly, my child. 

Massage #10

Here's a nice guy who I remember from before. He's deteriorated somewhat. Uses a walker and that's stressful in and of itself on the body. Has a partner who is very familiar with the music scene in town. I asked if his partner would be coming in for a massage -- I used to work on him too years ago. He said he didn't know. I found that amusing. Every couple is different. Every relationship between two people is unique. 

I saw them not that long ago one night I was playing with a Big Band but could not remember why i recognized them. That has happened from time to time since the last time I worked here. He reminded me of that. I vaguely did. I asked him if he said hello and replied that I seemed busy or was about to go play. 

Unfortunately for him, what with his condition combined with his current state, he is very tense. But he remains good-natured about it. Like many people, actually, he doesn't let got very easily. I worked hard and extensively on him. He felt much better after.

Massage #11

Ahh, here is my first transsexual of this cycle. I remember her from before. I worked on her once or twice. Yes, I admit it, it is a challenge. I feel uncomfortable and question myself why. I can't say. I don't know why. The transsexuals I have worked on are very womanly. They are not usually attractive. Probably did not have the money to do the all the surgery they needed to look good. How do you make a man look like an attractive woman? In this case, my client has aged considerably in four years, physically, so it seems, though emotionally, her spirit is rather buoyed, positive and energetic, but stressed. She tells me all about her life. Years as an entertainer, bartender, etc...says that she was famous, at least locally, in the clubs. Now, she's into karaoke. The Beatles, especially. And Freddy Fender. 

Massage #12

Here is a guy that breaks your heart. He is not doing well. He's a very intelligent guy who never finished college. Was an architecture student locally and had a mishap with his accumulated work when it came time for his senior course requiring it. Instead of spending the time to re-create all of his project work from teh previous three years, in consideration of the fact that he was recently diagnosed with AIDS, he decided to quit college. He has liver and kidney failure, is on dialysis. But he still manages to get around and is a non-resident. 

Every little bit of compassion and goodness helps a person like this. Life itself is a struggle for him. Yet, he is grateful and appreciative. He is able to discern the therapeutic qualities of anything I attempt for his relief. And he's right.  

He used to live with another client here. But they haven't been together for several years. And he hasn't experienced another human being touching him in any sort of affectionate or therapeutic way since then, or since we discontinued massages here four years ago. He is so intelligent that he has the ability to articulate that very basic concept of human or animal survival. Babies can't survive with some nurturing. How do adults do it? 

day 3

worked on three non-residents today, meaning, everybody kept their appointments. no great stories today. strictly massages to provide relief for tight muscles due to stress and medications. 

Massage #7

Here is someone who lives in pain to such a degree that he wears a morphine patch. Told me that he saw an advertisement on television saying that anybody using a morphine patch should discontinue wearing it immediately because they might die and to contact them to participate in a class action lawsuit. So, naturally, he did. I told him to contact his doctor and see what the doctor says. I gently tried to tell him not to fall for television advertisements from law firms that make people crazy thinking that their medications are going to kill them. I think this is clearly an example of a company, in this case, a law firm, creating a need -- possibly a false one at that. 

His problem is fibromyalgia. He experiences pain in his arms, back, legs, etc...I applied deep pressure with my elbow all over. He felt much better afterwards and was grateful. He walks and does housekeeping with my next client.

Massage #8

Nothing much to report here. We did a fairly standard massage -- he had not had a massage in a long time, he reports. Says it feels great. Arms, hamstrings very receptive to massage. Deep pressure used on his traps and levator. Very please afterward. He was very caring for his partner, waiting outside the entire massage. It's nice to see people taking care of each other and especially for people in a similar situation, in this case, infected with AIDS or HIV positive, to find a companion and soulmate. There really must be hope in this world.

Massage #9

He is in very good physical shape. Works out with weights. Very tight all over. Used deep pressure. Felt a lot of relief after. 

day 2

Everybody is stressed. I might not have realized this in my previous time working here. It's not easy accepting the fact that you have an incurable disease. That you are stigmatized by society for it, regardless of how you contracted it, not that that should matter anyway. For gay men who have contracted AIDS, it's a double stigma in our society, even among some gay men.

Massage #4

I don't remember working on him before but I know he used to come frequently for massages. Back when I worked here before, there were six more or less full-time massage therapists. Sometimes seven. And an acupuncturist. Not many stories here. Bulked up guy. Good shape. Has lifted weights for years. Not sickly at all. But he can't sleep and Xanax and Ambien make him act weird, so he doesn't take them anymore. He lives in a vicious cycle. Hopefully the massage might help him relax today and sleep better tonight.

Massage #5

Another no-show but I am assigned a resident I used to work on every now and then. I'm not sure what's true or not of what he tells me. Has he been a resident here all this time or not? I probably need to verify. He tells me today that he was recently living at his sister's house. She has a good job at a local large company but as he tells me, she stays out late every night.  He stays home and watches her children. She told him he had to provide all of his own food. So when he arrived, so he says, he bought a lot of food but ate it all and then forgot to get more food. I asked him if he was responsible for feeding the kids at night since his sister was out, and he said yes but that they eat cereal for dinner. So he stopped eating. He forgot.  He started losing a lot of weight and then his body began to shut down so he was brought back here. I definitely remember him being more stout. He's thin now. Lost all his muscle. Very nice guy. Walks on his own, appears seemingly well. He brought me a bottle of water after the massage from his personal refrigerator. He told me his mother was coming to take him to lunch at the Olive Garden. He was excited to go out and get a really good meal. He will be a good candidate to massage when there is another cancellation or no-show. 

Massage #6

"I'm a 60-year-old queer with AIDS" was how he responded when I introduced myself and asked him how he was doing. He didn't mean it in an aggressive or antagonistic way at all. Actually said it very good-naturedly. We had a very nice session in fact. He lives with another client of this facility. They walk a lot and do housekeeping together.  

day 1

It's been four years since I stepped foot in this place. It was time for me to move on. I had done several hundred massages here in less than a year and a change in the pay rules made it easy to leave and focus on massaging a higher-paying clientele with no risk of infection; limited contact with former drug addicts and schizophrenics; no more sad stories -- at least from people with aids (PWAs). 

And then within the year, the federal funds that enabled the massage therapy program to exist were no longer available. So nobody was doing massages there anymore. All the equipment was removed and the rooms were converted to other uses. After a number of years of free massages for PWAs who qualified -- proven beneficial treatment for their immune systems -- it was over. 

So it was sort of a shock to receive a call telling me that funds were procured for 200 massages if I wanted to take some of them. I was assigned 100 massages, and another massage therapist was assigned the remaining 100. 

Some of the people I worked on four years ago made indelible impressions on me. One in particular, G.T. He was a fairly well-known jazz musician with a predilection for cocaine and heroin. I listened to many stories he would tell me about famous people he knew. And he really knew music. He once told me, "never go out at night without your instrument," meaning not to miss a  chance to play if at all possible -- that's the way to improve and to create more opportunities to play. G.T. fell shortly after I stopped working there and passed on soon after. I remember him fondly and often. 

So here I am, Day One, beginning the first three of 100 massages of PWAs. I hope to pay closer attention to all of them and to relate their stories. 

To start with, there is no massage table -- I have to bring my own. That's no fun. They have sheets there since the facility has forty beds for residents as well as social services and education for many more non-residents.

Massage #1

As is not unusual, the first client does not show up nor call to cancel. I am assigned a resident to work on. Toothless, and looking more than a little bedraggled, most likely medicated, he willingly shuffles down the hallway to the massage room. This is his first massage and he is actually looking forward to it. 

He complained that his feet were bothering him at night -- felt like "electric shocks" which is a possible sign of neuropathy, possibly caused by some of the medications given to AIDS patients. Early on, AIDS patients were given high doses of AZT, a cancer drug, which caused irreparable harm to many patients and resulted in many deaths. I worked mostly on his feet.  He enjoyed the massage.

Massage #2

Someone I remember from four years ago. One of the more normal guys. Some of the non-residents are able to work and do so. Others are not able or simply not motivated. He has worked in the restaurant business for many years. Being a waiter takes its toll on your body. He's now getting involved in a cellphone business. It's an interesting change. I feel like it speaks of vitality and not giving up. Remaining positive in spite of disease. Taking what life gives you and dealing with it as effectively as possible. But in the back of your mind, you're dying of an incurable disease.

Massage #3

Another old-timer. This guy is a real character. I was never able to really figure him out. I think of him in some ways as a little boy. He's much older-looking now. Doesn't work -- not sure if he ever did. Specializes in finding free things. Has family in town on whom he depends for things. Always has some scheme, free movie passes, discount coupons to restaurants, etc. Good-natured guy. Happy, complains about how he feels a lot, but in the end, always grateful and positive. 

First day of massage is complete. I'm not sure how I feel. I remember some days there feeling like Superman, bringing relief to the sickest of the sick, and other days feeling very vulnerable. The next 97 massages should be interesting.